I don’t write here very often. I always mean to but then, you know, life gets in the way. More accurately, I get in the way, because the fact that I don’t write here often really has to do with my priorities. And I haven’t been making this a priority.
My son is sick today so I’m at home when I should be doing other things. In fact, I’ve been having a little pity party because his sickness means that my husband and I won’t be going out tonight, our 13th anniversary. It’s life and it’s small in the scheme of things, it’s just a disappointment.
Anyway, sitting here on the couch enjoying my pity party I decided to read through my previous posts on this blog. My first post on this blog was in March 2013. It has been two years since that first post and here’s the truth: I think I’m stuck. Several times I’ve written about the tension between wanting to stay home with my kids and wanting something more. I talked about feeling like I was on the cusp of something new, of feeling like it might be time to venture in to the workforce. I talked about a job I was offered this fall and worked through some of the reasons I ultimately decided not to take it. I’ve been working around/through these issues for a long time. And I still feel no resolution.
I have applied for yet another job. This job is probably a better fit, in some ways, than the job I was offered last fall. I was way over-qualified for that job and, in all likelihood, I would have been bored. This job I’m actually somewhat under-qualified for. The job would be a stretch and I’m sure I wouldn’t be bored. I have a first interview for this job a week from Monday.
So I’ve had a bit of a one track mind since I got the call for the interview. I alternate between feeling very excited about the job possibility, confident that we could make work and that it would be a positive for our family and feeling like I don’t even want to go to work. I think this is probably natural, the uncertainty/excitement mix. But I also think I’m feeling and thinking the exact things I did last fall…and even before that.
Millions of women work outside the home. They successfully raise children and their children are not ruined by the fact that their mothers go to work everyday. In fact, I think I was 10 when my mom went to work and it was fine. I don’t remember feeling bad about it at all. I’m sure the transition period would require some adjustment but I think we’d all survive. In fact, I know we would.
I feel like it’s time to get unstuck. I feel like it’s time to stop stressing out about all the what ifs and questions and just make a decision. I need to stop beating myself up over all this stuff. Why is that so hard to do?